day to day jackdaw

endlessness and social media addiction

reading: Mansect by Koga Shinichi

listening: The Happy Dictator by Gorillaz (on repeat tbh)

For a long time I had a nasty social media addiction fueled by a double-whammy of ADHD- and OCD-related brain chemical deficiencies. In retrospect, getting so deeply into the endless feed of dopamine hits was inevitable; I've been using computers to some capacity for as long as I can remember, and my place on the 'net was on sites intended for sharing and socializing. Getting on tumblr in high school was pretty bad, twitter in college made it far worse. Smartphones made it way too easy to get on social media sites to begin with, and owning one led to developing a lot of really unhealthy behaviors that interfered with my life way too much.

This is a really common experience, but I wanted to provide some context without going into grotesque detail. Just know that I was into endless feeds way too deep, and it was really difficult to get away from them. I think anymore it's common knowledge that the sites are designed to be as addictive as possible by encouraging uncontrollable use to maximize clicks and engagement, all in service of ads. Truthfully, the relentless inclusion of ads is what made it easier for me to drop facebook, when I found that more often than not, my feed exclusively showed me promoted content from pages I didn't care about. Therapy also helped me recognize why I was using these sites, and how more often than not, they sent me into scrolling frenzies looking for things to get heated about.

Anyway, I've since gradually removed all endlessly-scrolling apps from my phone. After facebook was twitter (the hardest for me to get rid of, but tbh as it became nazi central, I just straight up did not feel OK being on the site for multiple reasons), but tumblr replaced twitter in many respects. for a while, tumblr was where i was spending the most time, not even reblogging or engaging with the blogs of friends, but just seeking pointless drama and ragebait for no good reason. it was boring, left me in a bad mood, ate up my time, and left me with nothing to show for all the emotional energy I'd poured into looking through blogs knowing they'd piss me off or upset me. and for what reason?? i still have no precise explanation. maybe as a form of digital self-harm, maybe to feel superior in moments of self-consciousness. any kind of dopamine, from any source, was definitely a part of the equation, though.

so I deleted the app and, surprise, things changed for the better.

i'm not going to pretend it was as easy as removing this shit from my phone. my brain is, naturally, dopamine-seeking because it doesn't make enough, and dopamine feels supercharged when/if I get stuck in OCD rituals. social media was a large contributor to my OCD worsening, especially in uncertain times (aka ever since 2016). it sucked! i was really grumpy and had general malaise for a while after getting rid of the apps, especially since i couldn't so easily replace all that anxious energy--it didn't come naturally to me, yet. I was definitely going through withdrawal and was chemically reliant on using social media to trigger dopamine creation. my sleep was often restless, i was snippy, my appetite was all over the place.

it was tempting to pick up my phone and scroll again, but, oop--the app isn't there. this made a huge difference in my recovery, because besides being stubborn, I'm also quite lazy. I didn't want to have to lug out my laptop just to scroll on tumblr or whatever. thankfully, I had some books from the library that I'd checked out, and T and I had started watching Twin Peaks, so it was easier to get those dopamine bumps when I didn't feel like doing something more physically, emotionally, or intellectually engaging. I admit I went out more often for no reason, and made some more impulse purchases or gambles in the form of claw machines. but it kept me engaged in the real world, at least, and not my phone.

but then it was like... all of a sudden, I stopped feeling like i needed to "just take a quick peek" to see if i could divine what was going to happen, or feel angry about something completely meaningless. and my creativity exploded again.

I was drawing more often, brainstorming ideas for plot points in stories, writing those stories down, and more. like, probably the best feeling was during one relatively recent weekend, when i spent nearly the whole day writing for a project I've been working off-and-on for years now. I've been looking forward to creativity again, and have been feeling actively excited and eager to return home to pull out my pen and notebook. it's gotten to the point that i can't bring my notebook to campus, or I'll spend all day working on some short story or an individual chapter in this novel, rather than preparing for the classes I take or teach. (Another mixed perk to not letting literally everything be accessible on every/any device--I can't get distracted so easily by the things I really want to work on, despite having more than enough other commitments and projects I have to complete.)

I hadn't realized just how much emotional energy I need to reserve in order to create stuff--or how much of that energy was being burnt away from the dopamine high cycle of scrolling. In retrospect, it's no wonder I so often felt like I had horrible writer's block on such a consistent basis, no matter what I was working on, or how inspired I'd felt before actually sitting down and trying to start. for me, creativity is an exercise that uses all of my intellectual and emotional engagement; when I'm really in the groove, I'm flowing--a feeling that other ADHD-havers will probably be familiar with. for better or for worse, i can focus so thoroughly on a project that time becomes invisible (but somehow manageable?), and i can churn out pages upon pages over a couple hours. It's really satisfying and feels amazing, though I admit i'll eschew my growling stomach sometimes. I have gotten better at recognizing that it's been a long time since I've eaten anything.

why am I bothering to type all this up? I guess it's because i've seen and heard from more people that they're sick of their uncontrolled social media use, and thought my experience as someone with OCD and ADHD might resonate with others with the same diagnoses. I want to emphasize that this was a gradual process for me; more than a year went by between the times i deleted twitter and then tumblr, which were my two worst habits. I think if i had quit cold turkey, it wouldn't have been nearly as pleasant, and I would've relapsed quite profoundly.

for those of us with dopamine-deprived brains, or who rely on dopamine to feel the slightest locus of control over their lives, quitting any addiction comes with additional difficulties. the withdrawal from "instant dopamine, just a click away" is really hard, and I think it's important to have some healthier activities planned in advance to help through that process. (note that "healthier" in this context is subjective. my claw machine gambling is not necessarily "healthy," but in the context of trying to quit a much, MUCH worse and completely uncontrollable habit, it was such a lesser evil it might as well have been the angel on my shoulder to social media's devil.) (i'll also note that my claw machine gambling is 100% under control and something I actively choose to do only when i can and actually desire to, rather than feel compelled to do. lol.)

so, all that said: quitting social media can be done. at the very least, try to cut back on those with endlessly-scrolling feeds, especially algorithmically-driven ones like twitter or tiktok. those are the worst offenders for addictive design. I certainly have no desire to get sucked in again!